If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
sarcasm needs its own font
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
