he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
