Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
