dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
