You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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