Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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