he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
