When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
