maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
