I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
