Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
