I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
