you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
