He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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