New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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