I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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