We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
