There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
