Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I currently don't understand fingers.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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