remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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