it hurts more in the daytime
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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