watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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