the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
