Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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