i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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