i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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