then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
