Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
