You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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