oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm lost and stupid without you.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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