allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
