where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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