So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
