I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
