The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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