Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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