Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
