Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You were trust falling into bushes
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
