First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
