I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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