I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
