put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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