dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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