Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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