The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
