i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
