I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
