if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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