I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I have fence marks all over my body
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
