A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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