I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
