she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
